May 15, 2017
Before i even start, we need to fully comprehend that i am a girl you are a guy, we will think different of the same issue. And that’s just nature and not in our hands.
First of all i am getting the impression that you’re annoyed that at times you think of me like ‘rah if that was my girl’, or i can’t have her representing me like that. and that is because you have made it clear that we aint like that but you need to understand that its normal for you to think these things cos we dont see each other every month we see each other regularly and that is normal for a guy. Just like its normal for me to catch feeling again after a while. But its like you cant even admit that are things of me which you like, that spark them thoughts because you have put a condition, rule or stated that there is zero chance of things progressing (and i am not trying to argue for it to progress in anyway,) so its like you cant go out that box of things that are apparently not your right to do. But why are you putting these rule for yourself. Why are you so controlling over how you feel and just suppress it down.
i move like i no one else is accountable for my actions except me because i know that you ain’t claiming me and that i aint yours on any level and so i do the most sometimes like on that trip, like how i move around uni, i do enjoy the attention because it’s new to me in the fact that its so direct, the guys i have talked to before all wanted and spoke marriage, and if you noticed the fact that i entertain it more or enjoy it more after a dry spell from you, i ain’t blaming you for my actions but imagine if you cuffed me down and i was representing you, you think i will still move like that, i am a girl that appreciates her man, and from day one i always told you that i am yours. I genuinely fucked you on the basis that this is the one that i 90% might end up with and even when you stop fucking with me i aint adding anyone to my body count till i am married.
I didn’t see, or even appreciate or check out any guy till the argument on the December break. I was still yours till then and even now after all the pain the lessons the arguments if you turned around and said you know what i wanna get serious but you need to do so and so i would do it without hesitation, and i hate the sound of that but i just need to be real. i would be like alright and you would then see how even small things like the type of banter i have with anyone will be so much more respected so to say cos then i have an obligation to represent you, to respect you more and to consider how you feel about what i do. And i wouldnt be needing to do anything whether chat check out laugh with any other guy cos i would be with a man i could do all that with him
Boy i never thought i am willing to be just a house wife but, at the beginning and for a long while after you took that side out of me, like i would love to take care of you in a sense of did you eat, do you need to sleep. Do you want me to do anything for you. Do i look good for you etc.
You respect me in the fact that you do advice me, while on the same hand you dont tell me what to do and what not to do, and i respect you in a sense that i asked you today, i took you into consideration, i could have just gone and u wouldnt have know. Just how i told you what happened with noah, and that why till today i do appreciate what you advise me to do.
I even respect you in the sense that i dont talk about what we do, while it’s such a norm for a girl to tell her best friend every minor detail. But i never told anyone anything about you.
the respect i have for you goes unnoticed , but the lack of as you said is noted down in bold , and the focus is on the stupid things i have done. my truth is not appreciated , even though it’s not in my nature to confess. Its like you know where i am coming from cos you been there but you dont fully understand.
You said and i quote ‘like rah that aint me’ when you spoke about what i did in that trip , but thats the thing i aint you, i aint with you, i aint representing you. And thats what you have told me. So you get annoyed that you feel this because in your head that aint your place to be like that. And you see the good , you can see that i aint stupid, you can see that i am quite similar to you, i aint an ugly duckling either. But its them smaller things that i have done that make you not wanna appreciate the fact that there is good in me. But its as simple as saying like ‘look i need to see that you aint wana move stupid, show me that you do care about your reputation. And change ur current one. And that you aint wanna be at that wavelength’ And then you would see an instant change. Because honestly and truly if i was bucked down by you it would have been a different scenario, but its the moment before i do those things its like i lost the major thing why not do this as well. I aint blaming you for what i did, because i know what i am ganna do, i have a brain for myself. And you wouldn’t know what i am thinking till i do it.
I haven’t even been at yours yet and i started curving dudes for you. Till today i feel like such shame when you are annoyed or pissed off at me, like it might as well be my dad speaking to me.
The problem is that all this is new to me, from every angle. I honestly haven’t spoken to one guy that i felt like this to other than you, before that it was always with my mind, with my head, like i would assess them see if the are the right one. But with you i am so emotional about it, that i cant even think straight. I have tasted love ones and that was with you. I sometimes clock that the only reason i still fuck is cos i still have feelings for you,
I only always pester you about linking is cos thats the only time alone with you. There has been days where i would wait for time, while i could have gone home and rested or went out with my friends, just to wait for you to finish to revise or for it to be convenient for you.
it s like i wish you would give me another chance but i know its way past that and i dont even linger on it anymore.
Its like all that feelings and i would even go to say love, is being dimmed down but deep down inside me i know that you can start things just like that again. And it scares me because i dont like to be out of control, or give someone this much power over me.
I am on one side happy for this long break, and the second year as i feel like its ganna put everything in perspective,
You had your brother changing in front of you and actions speak louder than words, i havent seen that i havent experienced what you have so don’t blame me for not knowing, yeah you give me advice but its like you hold back your like the dad that tells you dont do this without saying why
Another thing i dont understand is why dont you appreciate me coming up to you and telling how i feel or what i think, its like you always go find the fault in what i did or thought and just get annoyed at me for it. And i as a person appreciate my secrets and my thoughts are mostly to me, and its them personal thoughts that i dont like telling everyone and it takes so much out of me to approach you to talk to you, because i remember last time how you would have reacted to it. And this even goes to when i approach you to link up you think that the numerous times it would be a no from our side whether you have had a proper excuse or not its still a no, just doesnt slide down easily as if its minor to me. And if we do and something still doesnt go right the guilt trip that i go through aint easy. Because its guilt and then its seeing you annoyed or pissed. Even when you say oh i wasted a morning how do you think that makes me feel?
Its moments like this that make me regret exposing my thoughts or even on a physical level to you. Its like i could have saved myself so much heartache and headache aswell, but its like sometimes looking at you or a shared laugh makes me feel like this whole thing this whole experience is so worth it. And over all i will still say that i dont even regret it one bit.
Its crazy to think that all these little moments of arguing and trying to quit 3 times but yet we still are fucking, like it says alot. Cos some couples would not even be able to go through half of this shit and they would end up never talking to each other again. But then again we are just fucking so its like we ignore more bullshit because you cant account the other side for what they do its easier to bounce back to fucking . its less of an investment i guess.
You taught me alot and not just in a sexual way, but about life and just relationships in general. You told me what to look for in a guy and what not to do in future situations.
I do wanna add not in a bad or good way but you are like your father alot. You think that because you do what you think you need to provide, its all good. And that there is no needs beyond that, there is no emotional side to providing. Also the fact that when you advise me on something you dont fully explain why. Or the consequences. So i just think at times your being extra or it wont be that bad.
I told you from day one, you’re my first to many thing, and i hope you dont mind the random questions that i will ask along the way. And to basically be patient with me as i am learning from you what people learned over many boyfriends from when they are 16 17.
I also dont want you to react in your usual way of saying ‘this is not healthy for you, so i am just ganna cut you off’ cos that aint what i want or need. If it means taking all what i just said back then i will and pretend i didnt confess anything to you.
All i am asking from you is to be understanding and be patient. To be real and honest with me in the moment not time after. And to give me some attention once in a blue moon, not in a ‘how you doing?’ kind of thing cos thats not our dynamic but in as simple as a sexual way man, since that is what our dynamic is. Give me recognition so i dont need to get reassurance from some waste man, till the moment i am confident on my own again. Cos whether you meant to or not. Alot of insecurities have arised within the last year. And its a matter of time for me to get over them
Obviously if you think all this is too much stress, a headache or you dont wanna invest time or whatever. Thats understandable too.
Simply put i am just fully tired of this whole situation, and of being a girl i never was till last year. I have tried many times for me to be your happiness but i realised after many crying sessions, arguments, sleepless nights and hours worth of stress that its just not my place to be there, and you aint right for me. You will always be part of my story as you are my first of many things, and maybe thats why i tried to keep things going for so long, as usually i just end things quickly and without hesitation. I like to finish things and never leave it otherwise, and since i do still care about you, i introduced you to salma, i heard you two been talking, so dont hurt her, treat her well, and communicate with her, as you never did with me. Honestly speaking i will hate to do the things i did to you to someone else, like talking to them or thinking about their likes, stressing over them or any other random things,. I made a mistake once and that will never happen again.
This year uni is my number one priority and getting that first is the main focus. And so i aint ganna spend time stressing over or entertain anything that wont support me and this years goal. I just hope i left some sort of impact on you and that these memories aint only hunting me. And the truly sad thing is if you came around and said lets give it another proper try in a heartbeat i would repeat it all. At the end of the day i will never say it wasn’t worth it