a past year reflection, made me realise how the people i have surrounded myself with were throwing mud at my soul, and slowly the build up hardened and now there is this cast covering me not allowing me to grow, think or be.  it was a gradual build up, that i never noticed.

i would like to think that i can feel a soul from a distance. i never approach people specially guys, to be honest i dont get the chance to as they would jump quicker than i get to say hi. however i saw a soul sitting down, and i couldn’t just walk away, i approached and oh sure it was a nurtured soul. soon seeing how free and non restricted it is made me realise what has happened to mine.

now i wont only blame the people that i have surrounded my self with, becouse at the end of the day i allowed it to happen. I feel like the main reason in this was a relationship i shouldn’t have stayed in. He made me feel like as a character i aint good, so i tried to prove to him that i am, which didn’t work. Since it was a sexual relationship, i gave up on trying to prove my soul and made sure i will be the best he gets in bed. My skills soon became addicting to him, but realty kicked in and we couldn’t be together anymore, and that becouse they left the country for the summer.  However after an online argument,  i don’t think i will ever be able to be touched by him again.

Now having all this skills, so to say, made me sexually confident in a sense that i wanted to find someone that will match me in ability but no one did. I started thinking  about it mechanically and nothing more. Having this confidence made me less shy talking about sex and being flirty and even exposing my body in the way i dress. (side note: its funny how i was in a revealing sports bra and shorts, but as i was being aware of what i has happened to me, and in general my mental state, i subconsciously covered up more, does that mean that having modesty is a sign of intelligence. ) But what i realised now is that the others were not able to give what i gave and that was a part of my soul in each encounter, i need a connection to be content.

In addition having that sexual openness caused by my confidence made guys especially only see me in that spot light, i was in that spot light for so long that i forgot i have other things hidden in the background waiting for their turn. My personality, my history, my plans and ambitions, my career, my kindness, my philosophy, my writing, my soul. All forgotten, they were all there this whole time, but forgotten in the conversations, never revealed so i don’t get hurt again, and allow anyone thinking my character aint good, but is all evil.  I can take someone saying your ugly, but when someone says your bad and rejects you on that, you build a wall up so high no one can even see a glimpse of what is on the inside.

Soon i found it weird if i wasnt in that spotlight, if someone didnt try to approach or flirt, i would think there is something wrong. Or if i went out and wasnt asked for my number, i would be thinking i might as well have stayed at home.  Sexual attention became my addiction. I now would change into outfits after i leave the house as my parents wouldn’t approve of them, just to ensure i was seen.

But this intriguing spirit made realise all this, grabbed me by my hand to a place i haven’t been in two years, a book store. Its like seeing an ex, all the memories and connection is there but it feels weird as its a stranger now.

i can see a new chapter opening up, a new summer and a birth of the next stage, where the my mind will be fluid again, where all the mud would have been broken and shaken off. where i can be fluid again, unrestricted and free.

keeping in mind old habits die hard, i cant help it but it will be a journey. after we departed i couldnt help but wish we sat in a more public space so i would have been able to be seen, but i said to my self that i was seen on a level non of these people can. which made me think that this person must be great in bed as it would be a connection made in different ways. hey i said old habbits die hard, but i am working on it.